The Other People Invited To Your Divorce

Divorce is a very personal event between two people, but it is rarely private. It’s more like a pebble in a pond. Many other people are in the water with you and will feel the waves that your divorce creates. It might not feel like it, but you have a lot of control over the waves; the number, the size and the duration. At the outset, it’s a good idea to take a moment to consider all of those who share your pond and determine whether they will be buoyed or drowned by the waves of your divorce.

Friends & Family. Obviously, your children will be involved in the changes to your family, as will your extended families and friends to the extent that you invite them. Choose your support network wisely. Carefully decide how much you want to disclose. Once it’s out there, you can’t get it back.

Also remember that the reactions of those closest to you are often based on their perception of how you are handling things. You’ve seen this happen. It’s no different than when a child stumbles, falls, and then looks to those nearby to gauge how they should react.

If you’re upset, they will be. If you make a funny face and laugh, they will too. If you’re angry, they will be. If you are thoughtfully seeking to understand your options, and getting the assistance you need to care for yourself, then they will help you with those things.

Don’t be afraid to speak up to those who do not take your cues. They can be a gale force wind, turning your small waves into big ones.

Do I Really Need A Divorce Lawyer?

You might be wondering whether you can save money and represent yourself in courtroom litigation. I’m a big fan of do-it-yourself in most things, but let’s think about it. Beginning the litigation process without an attorney. Stepping into a courtroom without someone by your side. That experience might be like being shoved into an operating room, expected to perform emergency brain surgery. Or being put behind the wheel of a race car, expected to win on your first try. The learning curve is steep and mistakes are costly.

You would be fighting for the future of your family, for your own financial survival, under extreme conditions, where you don’t speak the language, you don’t know the culture, and you don’t know the deadlines or the procedures. Even though you will be surrounded by friendly and helpful people who are very concerned about you and your situation, they are limited in the help that they can give you. The odds that you would achieve a good result in that situation are not good.

I’ve seen people try it. Some have been lucky to escape with a result that was not ideal. Many were turned away because they did not follow procedures that they didn’t even know existed. Others looked like they were in shock because they had just lost custody of their children, or the court had ordered them to jail. The stakes are very high in the courtroom. And it can be impossible to undo the damage once it has been done.

Finding Divorce Perspective

Today is Holocaust Memorial Day. I am not of the Jewish faith, but learned of the annual remembrance at a recent talk by Thomas Buergenthal, a rare child survivor of years in the ghettos and camps, who has devoted his life to the protection of human rights.

Buergenthal spoke about his wartime experiences, many of which are mentioned in his book “A Lucky Child.” In the retelling of the horrific events of his young life, Buergenthal repeatedly became emotional. He was apologetic and seemed somewhat surprised by his tears, wondering aloud if it was due to his old age. Never, in the many lectures I’ve attended, has an audience of nearly 1,000 people — adults, teens and children — been so intensely and quietly engaged. It was powerful.

We can learn so much from the experience of others. What were my takeaways? Those who have endured great suffering can teach us not only how to cope, but how to move on. How not just to survive, but to thrive.

Reactions To Divorce (And Other Potential Disasters)

In my community, law enforcement agencies are holding regular meetings to teach citizens how to survive an active shooter event (aka when a person or persons start shooting other people at work, school or other public places). There is a good reason for this. A 2013 FBI investigation revealed that these types of random mass shootings have been happening more frequently. From 2000-2007, there were an average of 6.4 active shooter events per year. From 2008-2013, the annual average more than doubled to 16.4. And most events (60%) were over before law enforcement arrived on the scene. That might explain the trend of teaching citizens how to maximize their own chance for survival. If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll probably have to save yourself.

At the outset of the training, we learned the science behind the way most people react during high stress events. Not surprisingly, I recognized the behaviors as common to many divorcing individuals. After all, divorce has long been recognized as one of our most stressful life events, second only to the death of a spouse.

Domestic Violence: What Every Parent And Child Needs To Know

Her toddler is at home with his father. Their marriage has been rocky for years. No, not rocky.  More like earth-quaky. Her husband has serious mental health issues. He self-medicates with alcohol, cocaine and methamphetamine. Twice before we have gone to court to get protective orders. Eventually, both times, she went back to him. I learned to wait. For the next time.

Now she is calling me again, frantic, because he has taken off with their son. She went home to find that he had superglued all of the locks shut, preventing her from entering the house. The house where he has previously broken every lamp, punched holes in the walls, smashed furniture. The house where soot marks in the corner remind her that he once tried to set the place on fire while she and the child slept. The house that echoes of beatings, rapings, and his belligerent rants. And now, he keeps calling her, taunting her, threatening to harm the boy, asking if she can hear her son scared and crying for his mamma. She can.

Here’s How To Get The Documents You Need

Both you and your partner are going to need the same information during your divorce. You can find a checklist of the most usual documents here. Ideally (let me just throw out the possibility), the two of you will cooperate and share the information. But if you’re just not at that place in your relationship at the moment, here are some other ways to find the documents you need.

Your File Cabinets. At the risk of stating the obvious, this is the most likely place to start and it is your most cost-effective, efficient option. Most everyone has a place where they keep their important papers, and in all honesty, a lot of unimportant papers too. Hats off to the more organized among us! If emotions or stress levels are high, you might want to wait until your partner is not home to conduct your search.

What Information Do You Need to Gather?

Remember the Scout motto? Be Prepared!

Preparedness is everything, in life and in a divorce. Your most important job is to get yourself ready and positioned for the best possible outcome. Some people think their attorney will do all of the work, but the reality is that your attorney prepares and advises you based on the information that you provide. It’s the same when your CPA prepares your income tax returns based on the information you provide.

Professionals can help educate and guide you, but the success of their work is based largely upon how well you do your part. If you do a bad job, then you will not get your best result.

In order to divorce, you will need to provide certain information. This is true whether you use the information to help negotiate a settlement, or if you end up using it in a court battle. In my experience, the more prepared you are with relevant information, the more likely you will be able to reach an agreement and be confident in the result. If you are unable to settle, then you will be more than ready to make your best case in the courtroom.

In law school, we were taught that we should spend approximately 4 hours outside of the courtroom preparing for every 1 hour we would be in the courtroom. And it’s no different for our clients.

Here’s the basic information you should start gathering. There could be more depending on your individual circumstances.

Divorce? 7 Things To Do First

Continuously reviewing past mistakes might destroy both of you.

Here’s what you need to know

If you or your partner are considering divorce, then you already know that this is one of the most stressful times in your relationship, possibly in your life. Your ability to communicate effectively, to work well together, might be at an all-time low.

If it gives you any comfort, it’s the same for everyone. People were asked about their divorce experiences in a 2004 study published in AARP The Magazine (The Divorce Experience:  A Study of Divorce at Midlife and Beyond, Xenia P. Montenegro). You won’t be surprised to learn that 86% (nearly of them) said that their divorce was caused by their partner, not them. This is valuable information. You might be blaming your partner, but remember, it’s just as likely that your partner is blaming you. No wonder you aren’t getting anywhere good!

As the study shows, focusing on the reasons for divorce, on your anger, on blaming or finding fault with your partner, are all very normal reactions. But if you get stuck there, you’ll have a really hard time trying to settle your differences and move on. I promise you that things will go better if you try to change your focus as you work your way through the process.

Here are 7 tips to help you set the stage for success: